Bright Lights

Roast chicken, potatoes, carrots and green beans soaked in a lavishly thick gravy, playing scrabble on long Saturday afternoon lazily by the fire whilst the rain pours down outside. Crunchy bacon sandwiches with thick slices of white bread, fresh spring morning lying in bed with the sun streaming through my windows.

Memories, they play heavy on your mind, taking you in and reaching back. You don’t necessarily want to be there again but it can’t be helped. There are also the good ones, the ones you cherish close to your heart, vividly reenacting in your mind over and over and the painful ones that can still rip your heart apart no matter how much time has passed.

Years have gone by and I have eventually decided to lay my demons to rest, believe me this isn’t a decision I have taken lightly. It is almost fours ago to the day I left, then I had big plans, ambitions. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a hopeless dreamer just a girl with a plan. So ok, I abandoned my family and left without so much as a goodbye. But that’s family right, what about the whole forgive and forget theory? Surely they will still love me, I’m their daughter.

So here I am standing behind a bush outside my parent’s house, practically hiding. There’s a new car in the driveway and the garden is tidier but I can tell they still live here.  The same bad parking and hanging baskets unmistakably the work of my mother. The curtains in the front room are drawn, the soft lighting of the television escaping through the gaps. I wait with baited breath, one push of a button is all it takes for me to be eighteen again so naive and unaware of life’s tragedies.

"Clara, is that you"

A voice in the dark familiar yet wrong, old and worn out not the youthful father I had left behind. A name forgotten, I had been Rose for so long now it seemed forever. I saw his face delicately wrinkled by age. Falling into his arms I can smell home. His face softens as tears roll down his cheeks, washing away the pain and hurt.

"Bill, is that you out there? Please come back inside...Clara!"

My dear beloved mother so tired looking, did I do this to her? She’s never going to want to see me again, I’m such a fool. She takes my hand firmly, guiding me to the door.

"Sweetheart, please come inside and I’ll put the kettle on and we can talk. Bill, grab any bags she has and for God’s sake man pull yourself together!"

I still haven’t said a word, I can’t my mouths so dry. My heads so confused. What would I say, ‘oh hi, how have you been? I didn’t get famous, I just owe my drug peddling boyfriend seventy five grand’, I’m sure they’d love that.

I should have stayed away, I can’t I won’t tell them. But I can’t lie, he’s after me and he knows where they live.

What have I done?

My death warrant has been signed and I’m dragging them into hell with me.

Box

pack you in a box
your inactions affect my reactions
sad
angry
confused
deep underground you go

my box is small
vast and neverending
optimism is buried deep there
struggling to find its way out to the light

alone without my box
the clouds clear
cares
woes
vanish up into the sky
like a ballon scaling the heights

with you near my box is heavy
decisions unmade
life unplanned
listen to your heart
decide

come back and help me
we'll bury my box far away from here
the sun will come out
and we will live

“We all carry these things inside
that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors. They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky,
there may be nothing there to see.
But if I don’t believe in him,
why would he believe in me?”

Ever get that feelin that something isn’t quite right?

Somewhere in some part of your life, something to do with you isn’t going your way, it isn’t going to plan and everything is about to come crashing down around you?

I know life’s not perfect but if someone (up there who ever,where ever you are!!) would cut me a break and throw abit of fairy dust in general direction.

Maybe I’m a pessimist, maybe I’m a glass half empty kinda girl or maybe just maybe I’m a loser! What ever it is I can’t shake this feeling something bad is just around the corner and going I’m going to be left devastated!!

Moral of the story is I need to MAN UP!!!

White

Voices on the tips of angel wings,
White and serene
Crystal and cold.
The light has gone out.

Black, dead and broken,
Bent tangled,
Lying alone on the ground.
Helpless...

Dark shadows fill the sky,
Moonlight shines through.
Icy breath a friend in the night.
Fallen.

Angels live in our hearts,
Forever strong and true.

Trapped

Sometines I close my eyes,
Reality is just a blur,
My head is in pain,
Thoughts wrecking my soul.

How long do I have left?
To ruin what I am,
To burn out and fade away,
Away from the watchful eye.

Can I escape this torture?
I want to be me.
When can I leave this torment?
Help is all I need.

All I ask for is space,
Out of this skin,
Not to be this,
But to be alive.

Take Her

Heavy in her hand,
The blade was cold and sharp.
Pressed against her fair skin,
Piercing the flesh.
The pain was bearable
Just needing the release.
Dripping down her
The tears of frustration.
Resentment and mistrust,
Feelings of sadness, loneliness
Screaming and weeping
Alone she cries.
Hollow and empty
The pain will not subside.
Red blood trickling off her arm,
She gasps in shock and awe,
'I've finally done it'
She silently says to herself.
Not believing she could really mark her skin.
Scraping and gauging,
More blood appears.
Deeper and deeper.
In fear she grabs a towel,
Throws down the knife.
It's blade twinkles with a glossy red.
Patting and rubbing,
She soaks up the blood.
Hysterically she waits alone