Roast chicken, potatoes, carrots and green beans soaked in a lavishly thick gravy, playing scrabble on long Saturday afternoon lazily by the fire whilst the rain pours down outside. Crunchy bacon sandwiches with thick slices of white bread, fresh spring morning lying in bed with the sun streaming through my windows.
Memories, they play heavy on your mind, taking you in and reaching back. You don’t necessarily want to be there again but it can’t be helped. There are also the good ones, the ones you cherish close to your heart, vividly reenacting in your mind over and over and the painful ones that can still rip your heart apart no matter how much time has passed.
Years have gone by and I have eventually decided to lay my demons to rest, believe me this isn’t a decision I have taken lightly. It is almost fours ago to the day I left, then I had big plans, ambitions. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a hopeless dreamer just a girl with a plan. So ok, I abandoned my family and left without so much as a goodbye. But that’s family right, what about the whole forgive and forget theory? Surely they will still love me, I’m their daughter.
So here I am standing behind a bush outside my parent’s house, practically hiding. There’s a new car in the driveway and the garden is tidier but I can tell they still live here. The same bad parking and hanging baskets unmistakably the work of my mother. The curtains in the front room are drawn, the soft lighting of the television escaping through the gaps. I wait with baited breath, one push of a button is all it takes for me to be eighteen again so naive and unaware of life’s tragedies.
"Clara, is that you"
A voice in the dark familiar yet wrong, old and worn out not the youthful father I had left behind. A name forgotten, I had been Rose for so long now it seemed forever. I saw his face delicately wrinkled by age. Falling into his arms I can smell home. His face softens as tears roll down his cheeks, washing away the pain and hurt.
"Bill, is that you out there? Please come back inside...Clara!"
My dear beloved mother so tired looking, did I do this to her? She’s never going to want to see me again, I’m such a fool. She takes my hand firmly, guiding me to the door.
"Sweetheart, please come inside and I’ll put the kettle on and we can talk. Bill, grab any bags she has and for God’s sake man pull yourself together!"
I still haven’t said a word, I can’t my mouths so dry. My heads so confused. What would I say, ‘oh hi, how have you been? I didn’t get famous, I just owe my drug peddling boyfriend seventy five grand’, I’m sure they’d love that.
I should have stayed away, I can’t I won’t tell them. But I can’t lie, he’s after me and he knows where they live.
What have I done?
My death warrant has been signed and I’m dragging them into hell with me.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Box
pack you in a box
your inactions affect my reactions
sad
angry
confused
deep underground you go
my box is small
vast and neverending
optimism is buried deep there
struggling to find its way out to the light
alone without my box
the clouds clear
cares
woes
vanish up into the sky
like a ballon scaling the heights
with you near my box is heavy
decisions unmade
life unplanned
listen to your heart
decide
come back and help me
we'll bury my box far away from here
the sun will come out
and we will live
your inactions affect my reactions
sad
angry
confused
deep underground you go
my box is small
vast and neverending
optimism is buried deep there
struggling to find its way out to the light
alone without my box
the clouds clear
cares
woes
vanish up into the sky
like a ballon scaling the heights
with you near my box is heavy
decisions unmade
life unplanned
listen to your heart
decide
come back and help me
we'll bury my box far away from here
the sun will come out
and we will live
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Ever get that feelin that something isn’t quite right?
Somewhere in some part of your life, something to do with you isn’t going your way, it isn’t going to plan and everything is about to come crashing down around you?
I know life’s not perfect but if someone (up there who ever,where ever you are!!) would cut me a break and throw abit of fairy dust in general direction.
Maybe I’m a pessimist, maybe I’m a glass half empty kinda girl or maybe just maybe I’m a loser! What ever it is I can’t shake this feeling something bad is just around the corner and going I’m going to be left devastated!!
Moral of the story is I need to MAN UP!!!
Somewhere in some part of your life, something to do with you isn’t going your way, it isn’t going to plan and everything is about to come crashing down around you?
I know life’s not perfect but if someone (up there who ever,where ever you are!!) would cut me a break and throw abit of fairy dust in general direction.
Maybe I’m a pessimist, maybe I’m a glass half empty kinda girl or maybe just maybe I’m a loser! What ever it is I can’t shake this feeling something bad is just around the corner and going I’m going to be left devastated!!
Moral of the story is I need to MAN UP!!!
Friday, 15 April 2011
White
Voices on the tips of angel wings,
White and serene
Crystal
The light has gone out.
Black, dead and broken,
Bent tangled,
Lying alone on the ground.
Helpless...
Dark shadows fill the sky,
Moonlight shines through.
Icy breath a friend in the night.
Fallen.
Angels live in our hearts,
Forever strong and true.
White and serene
The light has gone out.
Black, dead and broken,
Bent tangled,
Lying alone on the ground.
Helpless...
Dark shadows fill the sky,
Moonlight shines through.
Icy breath a friend in the night.
Fallen.
Angels live in our hearts,
Forever strong and true.
Trapped
Sometines I close my eyes,
Reality is just a blur,
My head is in pain,
Thoughts wrecking my soul.
How long do I have left?
To ruin what I am,
To burn out and fade away,
Away from the watchful eye.
Can I escape this torture?
I want to be me.
When can I leave this torment?
Help is all I need.
All I ask for is space,
Out of this skin,
Not to be this,
But to be alive.
Reality is just a blur,
My head is in pain,
Thoughts wrecking my soul.
How long do I have left?
To ruin what I am,
To burn out and fade away,
Away from the watchful eye.
Can I escape this torture?
I want to be me.
When can I leave this torment?
Help is all I need.
All I ask for is space,
Out of this skin,
Not to be this,
But to be alive.
Take Her
Heavy in her hand,
The blade was cold and sharp.
Pressed against her fair skin,
Piercing the flesh.
The pain was bearable
Just needing the release.
Dripping down her
The tears of frustration.
Resentment and mistrust,
Feelings of sadness, loneliness
Screaming and weeping
Alone she cries.
Hollow and empty
The pain will not subside.
Red blood trickling off her arm,
She gasps in shock and awe,
'I've finally done it'
She silently says to herself.
Not believing she could really mark her skin.
Scraping and gauging,
More blood appears.
Deeper and deeper.
In fear she grabs a towel,
Throws down the knife.
It's blade twinkles with a glossy red.
Patting and rubbing,
She soaks up the blood.
Hysterically she waits alone
The blade was cold and sharp.
Pressed against her fair skin,
Piercing the flesh.
The pain was bearable
Just needing the release.
Dripping down her
The tears of frustration.
Resentment and mistrust,
Feelings of sadness, loneliness
Screaming and weeping
Alone she cries.
Hollow and empty
The pain will not subside.
Red blood trickling off her arm,
She gasps in shock and awe,
'I've finally done it'
She silently says to herself.
Not believing she could really mark her skin.
Scraping and gauging,
More blood appears.
Deeper and deeper.
In fear she grabs a towel,
Throws down the knife.
It's blade twinkles with a glossy red.
Patting and rubbing,
She soaks up the blood.
Hysterically she waits alone
Sunshine
Blinding
it's hurting my eyes
the sun rays
reaching out and touching me
holding me in their grip
not letting go 'til
sun set
darkness
warmth lingers
then gone
cold dark and starry
give way to the moon
so majestic and bright
like a lantern
lighting up my heart
it's hurting my eyes
the sun rays
reaching out and touching me
holding me in their grip
not letting go 'til
sun set
darkness
warmth lingers
then gone
cold dark and starry
give way to the moon
so majestic and bright
like a lantern
lighting up my heart
Solitude
Emptiness,
this is what I feel.
Hollow and incomplete,
distant and alone.
Heavy,
my heart has no passion.
Tears fill my eyes,
running down my face.
Pain,
I hurt deep inside.
Longing to fill the void,
I cry alone in the night.
this is what I feel.
Hollow and incomplete,
distant and alone.
Heavy,
my heart has no passion.
Tears fill my eyes,
running down my face.
Pain,
I hurt deep inside.
Longing to fill the void,
I cry alone in the night.
Sleep
The pain and sorrow fade away,
bringing peace on another day.
Gently falling into slumber,
minds become at ease.
Off to think of better days,
where happiness is not a dream
bringing peace on another day.
Gently falling into slumber,
minds become at ease.
Off to think of better days,
where happiness is not a dream
Re-newed
A light from behind you,
moves to your future.
A loving, longing, that was
forgotten but now rekindled.
Hearts rejoice.
Warm and together.
Spoken words on telephone.
Laughter and smiles.
Memories increase the senses
and you remember the love.
New hope and delight,
a weight lifted from your heavy soul
moves to your future.
A loving, longing, that was
forgotten but now rekindled.
Hearts rejoice.
Warm and together.
Spoken words on telephone.
Laughter and smiles.
Memories increase the senses
and you remember the love.
New hope and delight,
a weight lifted from your heavy soul
Purgatory
Stillness is as silence, the darkness creeps around.
Although you cannot hear or see the shadows move about.
They're playing in the graveyard whilst your tucked up safe and tight.
These little beings scare those whose hearts still beat with pride.
When they've left the world behind our children move away.
Until they've had they're time on earth they haunt us night by night.
Always playing by the church after the sun goes down.
They creep along the roadside dragging they're tiny feet, the darkness has them in his grip calling them.
Their screams have faded, as has the light that shone from their hearts.
In the darkness they drown.
The children dream of life again but stillness they must keep.
For noone hears they're lonely cries, as the wind sweeps them away.
Forever our children, dead to us, in his torture shall stay.
Although you cannot hear or see the shadows move about.
They're playing in the graveyard whilst your tucked up safe and tight.
These little beings scare those whose hearts still beat with pride.
When they've left the world behind our children move away.
Until they've had they're time on earth they haunt us night by night.
Always playing by the church after the sun goes down.
They creep along the roadside dragging they're tiny feet, the darkness has them in his grip calling them.
Their screams have faded, as has the light that shone from their hearts.
In the darkness they drown.
The children dream of life again but stillness they must keep.
For noone hears they're lonely cries, as the wind sweeps them away.
Forever our children, dead to us, in his torture shall stay.
My Rock
I love her
More than she'll ever know.
Unconditionally
Until the end of it all.
Forever her presence
Will hold in my soul.
For her heart is my rock
Flower,
and sense of hope in one
More than she'll ever know.
Unconditionally
Until the end of it all.
Forever her presence
Will hold in my soul.
For her heart is my rock
Flower,
and sense of hope in one
Monster
Shining by the light of the moon,
They sat alone in the night
Together in his embrace
Holding on for dear life
Gripping on and giving all
For down in the twisting lanes
Sitting in the dark and dank air
Is a creature from hells own fury
Satanic in body and mind
Watching and waiting
Moving in for the kill
Saliva dripping from his mouth
Pounced ready to take life
Its eyes glinting in the moonlight
Mirage
Savaged and burnt lying alone she cries,
lost and confused by the tragedy that profounds.
Longing for comfort although surrounded by souls,
She waits in pain red burning like the sun.
Licking her body the heat magnifies.
Blazing in the dark starry night.
A victim in a story that's etched on her mind.
'Why me, why now, why did they do it?'
She hopes for peace,
Not wanting to look at herself again.
So beautiful but now ravaged,
From falling through the sky.
lost and confused by the tragedy that profounds.
Longing for comfort although surrounded by souls,
She waits in pain red burning like the sun.
Licking her body the heat magnifies.
Blazing in the dark starry night.
A victim in a story that's etched on her mind.
'Why me, why now, why did they do it?'
She hopes for peace,
Not wanting to look at herself again.
So beautiful but now ravaged,
From falling through the sky.
I'm Gone
My heart feels heavy with sorrow and grief,
feeling so empty and lost.
A life without purpose or direction,
drifting alone in the dark.
The emptiness is consuming,
taking over my solitude.
The silence pains me,
so eerie, mesmerising and sombre,
alone here in the night.
The smell of death evokes me,
twisting in my lungs.
Taking over it swallows me whole,
I live in fear of breathing the musty stale air.
I succumb to the darkness,
falling under it’s spell.
I slip deeper into the void,
no longer do I feel the pain.
I am a slave to the horror.
The heart stops beating,
slowly drowning,
the hate for myself stops raging…..
Darkness.
Hollow
Wanting to reach out
Pick it up so shiny and heavy.
The blade so sharp.
To place against my pale fair skin
Just one movement
Just one slice
And be gone
Instead I bring it closer
So slowly
Moving the blade
Back and forth
Back and forth
Marked my skin once
Just a mark
Again
Back and Forth
Red it's warm and moist
Gently so slowly it trickles
Down my arm
That’s it
I've made that move
Will anyone notice??
Is this why I did it
For sympathy?
Hide in shame
Cover it up
Am I that desperate
For attention like that
No one will see
No one will notice
I am invisible
I am alone
So many friends
Yet my heart is empty
I long to be free
Pick it up so shiny and heavy.
The blade so sharp.
To place against my pale fair skin
Just one movement
Just one slice
And be gone
Instead I bring it closer
So slowly
Moving the blade
Back and forth
Back and forth
Marked my skin once
Just a mark
Again
Back and Forth
Red it's warm and moist
Gently so slowly it trickles
Down my arm
That’s it
I've made that move
Will anyone notice??
Is this why I did it
For sympathy?
Hide in shame
Cover it up
Am I that desperate
For attention like that
No one will see
No one will notice
I am invisible
I am alone
So many friends
Yet my heart is empty
I long to be free
Friendship
Love is friendship
Like a flower it blossoms with time
Nurture it and it will grow
Suppress it, forget to feed
And it will disappear.
Keep the roots firmly placed in your heart
Water daily
With light to shine on through
And true love will be with you forever
Like a flower it blossoms with time
Nurture it and it will grow
Suppress it, forget to feed
And it will disappear.
Keep the roots firmly placed in your heart
Water daily
With light to shine on through
And true love will be with you forever
Daybreak
The light of day is rising,
Shining warmth on all around.
Hope and love are burning,
In all the hearts on earth.
For each of us has passion,
Unknown deep in our souls.
Washing in it's glorious rays,
Embedded within the skies.
Cast me out into the waves,
Alone I shall swim in the golden heat.
For today the sun has risen on earth and in my mind
Shining warmth on all around.
Hope and love are burning,
In all the hearts on earth.
For each of us has passion,
Unknown deep in our souls.
Washing in it's glorious rays,
Embedded within the skies.
Cast me out into the waves,
Alone I shall swim in the golden heat.
For today the sun has risen on earth and in my mind
Acceptance
My heart is filled with a thousand lies,
all little stories I have told.
Although my heart feels heavy,
these lies lay lightly on my mind.
For many years I have wondered,
feeling trapped but also lost.
When I stop and think my eyes begin to fill,
happiness is far from near.
I hold a torch in my heart for someone who's never cared.
Although I lie and say I’m fine,
I'll always stop and think.
For a time I thought that no one would understand.
I held these dark secrets close never revealing.
I tried to cope with no avail,
through poisoning my body and soul.
All I wanted was someone to say they cared and actually mean it.
I tried to hide by acting distant,
never letting anyone close.
I blamed myself for all the hurt,
those around me have endured.
Thinking if I let anyone in,
I would hurt them too.
I carried all my woes close to my chest.
Eventually it ached so much I could,
hold them inside no more and frequently broke.
Although externally I fixed myself,
again and again with time.
My heart has never healed.
And then this is now,
I feel at last close to freedom with happiness close to view.
All with help of my guardian angel,
which of course I mean is you.
You listen when I need to cry and,
bare my soul with nakedness and truth.
When I'm low and feeling sad,
I close my eyes once more.
This time instead of crashing down,
you lift my spirits high.
Even though you are far not close, I feel your love throughout.
I feel because you've experienced the hate you can help my darkness to rise.
For you who I truly trust and can lay to you myself as me, are the best friend I've ever had.
You've helped me in a way no one can, in laying some of my demons to rest.
Although they’ll never be far I can hold my head up high.
You've helped me see that being me is ok and for that I can smile.
I love you in a way I cannot word
and in my heart you'll forever be.
all little stories I have told.
Although my heart feels heavy,
these lies lay lightly on my mind.
For many years I have wondered,
feeling trapped but also lost.
When I stop and think my eyes begin to fill,
happiness is far from near.
I hold a torch in my heart for someone who's never cared.
Although I lie and say I’m fine,
I'll always stop and think.
For a time I thought that no one would understand.
I held these dark secrets close never revealing.
I tried to cope with no avail,
through poisoning my body and soul.
All I wanted was someone to say they cared and actually mean it.
I tried to hide by acting distant,
never letting anyone close.
I blamed myself for all the hurt,
those around me have endured.
Thinking if I let anyone in,
I would hurt them too.
I carried all my woes close to my chest.
Eventually it ached so much I could,
hold them inside no more and frequently broke.
Although externally I fixed myself,
again and again with time.
My heart has never healed.
And then this is now,
I feel at last close to freedom with happiness close to view.
All with help of my guardian angel,
which of course I mean is you.
You listen when I need to cry and,
bare my soul with nakedness and truth.
When I'm low and feeling sad,
I close my eyes once more.
This time instead of crashing down,
you lift my spirits high.
Even though you are far not close, I feel your love throughout.
I feel because you've experienced the hate you can help my darkness to rise.
For you who I truly trust and can lay to you myself as me, are the best friend I've ever had.
You've helped me in a way no one can, in laying some of my demons to rest.
Although they’ll never be far I can hold my head up high.
You've helped me see that being me is ok and for that I can smile.
I love you in a way I cannot word
and in my heart you'll forever be.
Together
Baring myself the inner me
feeling cold withdrawn and exposed
I feel the softest touch.
Heart races, catch a breath.
Pain, passion I ache throughout
shivering as we feel.
Tracing fingers barely felt
Breathe.
Intoxicated in your scent
Fury hate and love
Energies soar in the wildness
Breathe in.
Warmth comfort content in your embrace.
Ecstasy fulfilment lust embrace
your taste reminds of times gone by.
Close my eyes, breathe.
Passion entwined with rage
Senses crazy dizzy and confused
Soft and gentle heartfelt complete.
Racing pace out of breath
hot together we're racing
can't breathe
Heart stops......
........release
feeling cold withdrawn and exposed
I feel the softest touch.
Heart races, catch a breath.
Pain, passion I ache throughout
shivering as we feel.
Tracing fingers barely felt
Breathe.
Intoxicated in your scent
Fury hate and love
Energies soar in the wildness
Breathe in.
Warmth comfort content in your embrace.
Ecstasy fulfilment lust embrace
your taste reminds of times gone by.
Close my eyes, breathe.
Passion entwined with rage
Senses crazy dizzy and confused
Soft and gentle heartfelt complete.
Racing pace out of breath
hot together we're racing
can't breathe
Heart stops......
........release
Wonder
My one last thought before I sleep
Is that of you, and I wonder
Do you feel the same?
My eyes fill with tears as I think
that you are alone and in pain.
I know I can be there for you
I know I can care.
I close my eyes and see your face
I hold my breath and feel your touch
I long to hear your voice and look into your eyes.
I feel safe there, I feel me
I never felt this before,
complete helplessness.
I wonder do you think of me?
Is that of you, and I wonder
Do you feel the same?
My eyes fill with tears as I think
that you are alone and in pain.
I know I can be there for you
I know I can care.
I close my eyes and see your face
I hold my breath and feel your touch
I long to hear your voice and look into your eyes.
I feel safe there, I feel me
I never felt this before,
complete helplessness.
I wonder do you think of me?
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